On wobbly legs, I began. To untangle and grapple with what the last twenty seven years had been about, but more currently the last five. What was I doing, who was I and what the fuck was I going to do now?
Root cause, begin at the base, otherwise it will keep growing back. But learn patience because somethings can’t be dealt with swiftly like a telesales caller. Somethings you have to bring out time and time again and get so frustrated that it is still there and then laugh as you finally get the biggest fucking joke of all. IT’S NEVER GOING TO GO AWAY. YOU have to make space for it, and love it in all its ugliness equal to the acceptable and pleasing facets of your human nature. You have to blaze a bonfire of light on it and say I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU. I SEE YOU IN YOUR BIG GROTESQUE FRIGHTENING FORM. YOU ARE PART OF ME. Now come sit and be quiet, I have work to do.
HARD WORK LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER KNOWN.
WILD WOMAN WORK.
Lose the things that need to be lost. Let them go. Honour them, remember them fondly like a lost lover, but put them down and put one foot in front of the other again.
Find the things that need to be found. Face to fear. Face it because you have to. It’s a choice again. This or death. Not in a Life-Death-Life cycle but in a this is the end abyss so be thrilled by it and then step back with renewed vigor and purpose and knowing.
I hear you.
I see you.
I honour your hurt.
Feel every last ounce of it. It will make you a better human being.
Remind yourself why you love people so much. BECAUSE YOU LOVE YOURSELF.
Not every moment on every day in a vocal way, some days you have to dig and sit and wait for the blue sky of knowing to peep through the blackest storm clouds for you to go ‘Yes there she is. There is my love. MY LOVE.’ But a belief, Inherent, wise, that it is always above.
Now go and share and sing it so loud that people will defy gravity because of your resounding voice speaking to their souls. TRUTH that they ARE ready to hear. That they CAN handle and will reverberate to the deepest beat of the heart.
WE ARE THE ARCHITECTS OF OUR FUTURE…OF THE FUTURE.
I choose to be present to it all. To tighten up and to listen hard and to raise my head with open eyes and say I AM READY FOR IT. LET’S GO.
In retreat and in action, in reflection and in movement, I want to feel it all because it is the only way I will ever feel it. I am still learning.
Sometimes the same lessons in different disguises, through familiar voices and feelings that creep up with such knowing I could swear they knew me from the beginning of time. To wrestle with and heal and grow forth. To rise and to lead from the biggest open heart I know how to own. To love fully and unconditionally. As Woman as She who has always known. THANK YOU.